Once the lights were turned off and the home was quiet, I sat next to my sleeping wife and penned my thoughts for an hour or so. It had been one of those days where I had an overabundance of love for my wife that I did not know how to express. She would just look at me like she was trying to figure me out, but I was trying to figure myself out too. How do I explain what I feel inside for her? How do I tell Ria the love I feel for her scares me? That my heart only beats for her and our little terrors? That sometimes I want to take her in my arms and hold her to me just to feel her chest beat against mine, to know that she is really here and is not going anywhere. I stay in a haze of emotion wondering why I am granted this life. I do not tell Adrianna, but I thank God everyday for our family and pray it is one she wants, and does not regret.
It was a Tuesday morning. The girls had played with Adrianna’s hair leaving it to look worse than when she woke up. They pretended she was at the hair salon. It was a matted ball of frizz but my wife never looked happier. Seeing her smile only encouraged the girls to tease her hair bigger. They jumped on their tip toes, full of energy bumping into each other. The giggles never stopped and I did not want them to.
Two times I took out my cell phone to capture them in their element so I could have it to look back on. They are my pride and joy. Ria made us all smile for a picture then saved it as my screensaver.
When it was time to feed the little hyenas lunch, Adrianna said they were ordering pizza, but then proceeded to add a cheesesteak, Greek french fries, a cobb salad, loaded nachos, and a slice of banana cream pie. She said the baby needed it and pointed to her belly. How do you argue with that?
Hyped up on junk and sugar, the girls decided that I would become their personal gymboree and used me as if I was made of steel. They climbed over my back, kneed me in the jaw, and scraped their nails over any inch of skin they could grab on to. They ran around barefoot trashing the house until they passed out in the most uncomfortable looking positions until I carried them to bed and tucked them in. This random Tuesday was one of those days I did not know I needed.
When Adrianna woke this morning, she said she never got to skip school as a teenager, and that today we were all skipping. I do not argue with her when she is pregnant. I just phoned Danilo and told him the change of plans. I also do not argue when she wants me to stay home with her either. My love for Ria grows more and more each day. It consumes my soul. I want everything for her and our babies, and I will do anything she asks of me. I live for her.
Fear creeps inside my chest and my fingers begin to tremble while I write. I am terrified there will come a day when she stops loving me. Adrianna tells me to stop wasting my time over irrational thoughts because four kids together is not for shits and giggles, that she is in it for the long haul. I do not understand such an analogy but I understand the way she looks at me when she says it and the love she so freely gives. Sometimes I need reassurance. After our first daughter was born, I could not believe my wife wanted to have more children with me. Now she is lying next to me pregnant with a fifth.
Love and life. Who knew it could be so… powerful?
I turn the page to write a couple more paragraphs until I feel like I am free then stow the leather bound book in my nightstand. Cuddling up to my wife, I pull the blanket over us and hold her close. Her body is always so warm. She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, falling against me into a fitful slumber.
Each of our daughters have their own journal. Adrianna and I take turns writing in them. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes we do not. It only matters that we do. When the day comes they are to be married, we will present it to them. Some people had pictures to capture memories. We write letters to our daughters.